Be My Hero
by Literally Dawsey
Summary: Matt Casey is an ex-army lieutenant that was taken out of service because of a terrible accident. 10 years later he gets called back to service but he's working in Chicago as a Firefighter. Deeply in love with 61's Gabby Dawson, will Matt be able to handle the stress of the job, as well as being able to find a way to tell the one woman he loves most of all how he really feels?
1. Lights and Sirens

Walking up the drive of Firehouse 51 was a feeling like no other, in fact it brought a smile to his face even on a day like today. Matthew Casey was trudging through the semi deep snow, his bag slung over his shoulder and his coat pulled as far up his neck as he could make it come. The nervous energy was making his heart pump faster than it needed to be, making him feel a little light headed. _I need to calm myself down,_ he thought. The red garage doors where closed, supposedly to keep the warm air in, whether it worked or not was something that he couldn't answer. Casey looked down at his watch and sighed. It was four months till his deployment went through, then he'd be on an Army issued plane over to the conflict in Afghanistan. This meant that he had four months to get his nerve up to tell the woman he loved how he felt. However, making her a service mans girlfriend was something he didn't want to put upon her. Many times he'd try and talk himself out of going over seas but it never seemed to work. Just the thought of backing out of a mission and to be called a coward was something he never wanted to have held against his name. He was happy here at 51, being a firefighter was something he'd wanted to do since the earliest memories he'd had. After his father, Mark Casey, died in one of the biggest warehouse fires the city had every seen, he felt like as he was his only son, taking his place as the next fire fighter to join the CFD was his destiny. However, he couldn't have been more wrong. His life had taken him in a difficult and painful turn. He couldn't remember the last time he was truly happy. He'd been through a lot, that was the reason he'd taken such a long break from the Army was after the accident he was caught up in last time he was out in service. The sounds and the feelings still woke him up at night as he remembered the sounds of the shells flying through the air, and tremors that ran through the floor every time a bomb went off. He shuddered as he remembered when the car in front of him in the convoy blew up after a bomb was dropped. He lost a lot of men that day, this time was going to be different. This time he'd bring everyone home.

Walking into the warm fire house was a God sent in his opinion. The warmth of the heating instantly lightened his mood and the thought of doing the job he loved helped the stamina of that feeling. He walked through the common room, although it was mostly empty, apart from the few men left from first watch who where just finishing their coffees before they headed off, Casey was the first in. The thought of being late never really appealed to him, also it meant that he could get the majority of his paperwork done before shift had even started. When he reached his locker he spun in the code, pulled open the light metal door that had his name taped to the front, before he slid his bag on to the shelf. For the ten years that he had worked here, he'd had the same locker with the same pictures taped to the inside of the door. He took a seat on the bench behind him as he reminisced over the small snapshots of his past. He looked up and saw a group photo from the academy dinner seven years ago and laughed to himself. Otis was laying on the floor with one leg up laughing; Kelly a drink in his hand laughing and Boden with his arms round Casey and Severide's shoulders. Matt leaned up and taped it back up, just as he reached for the next one. He stood there for a second as he took the sight in. It was a picture of him and Gabby Dawson at the bar she, Otis and Herrmann owned down the street. Molly's was the hang out place for all the cops, firefighters and doctors from the area. A lot of memories where made there. The picture showed Casey standing with his arm around Gabby and her hand on his chest. The thought of her standing so close made his heart flutter. He remembered the first shift that 51 was opened. After the building of the house, the CFD wanted to move some more experienced firefighters to mix with some newbies and that's how 51 came about. Matt remembered standing at the front of the new commissioned fire truck, company 81, and the feeling of being a lieutenant slowly beginning to sink in. The thought of leading five men, or woman, into the uncertainty that was a burning building fuelled his need for adrenaline. After the sights of war, sitting behind a desk was his worst nightmare and so first responding was the only option he had left. He glanced back down at the picture again and his eyes couldn't help but lock onto her face, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever met. He remembered the feeling he had the first time he saw her, her brown curled hair being blown slightly in the spring sun. She was wearing the standard issue grey EMT t-shirt; black pants and the uniformed black boots with a brown rucksack slung over her shoulder. Ten years was a long time and he'd felt the same towards her for every single one of them, but still he couldn't bring himself to tell her how he really felt. This was truly the most important thing he had to do before he left for Afghanistan, whether he liked it or not.

It was eight thirty and the rest of his colleagues where beginning to enter the building, the locker room their first stop because of having to get changed. Casey's office was centered on the main hallway that lead to the locker room and so keeping track of who was here and who wasn't was a pretty easy job. Behind him, Lieutenant Kelly Severide was supposedly hard at work, rushing to get overdue run reports and checks done ready to be handed in to Boden at roll call. Casey put his pen down and walked towards the door, still looking though the glass that separated the two offices of the two lieutenants of the firehouse. He walked up and tapped his knuckle lightly against the thin glass making Kelly look up. He looked up and smiled before he gestured for his friend to enter the room. "Morning lieutenant." Kelly said now beginning to laugh as Casey rolled his eyes.

"Did you really just say that to me?" he asked as he leaned up against the doorframe and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Mmhmm, I did and what are ya gunna do about it?" Kelly asked, still messing around, as he turned back to his desk and begun scribbling words down into the boxes of the form.

"Look, I'm going into the common room to get a coffee before roll call, you want one?" he offered as he stared to turn and head towards the door.

"Nah, I'm ok thanks Matt. Just make sure that you keep the coffee in the cup next time Gabby walks past." he chuckled as he waited for his friend to react, and sure enough Matt did.

"That was a one time thing and she caught me off guard." Matt protested as he begun to walk away again.

"Yeah whatever, just make sure you tell her how you feel before you go. You can't keep something like that behind closed doors in a place like where you're going, it messes with your head and we want you to come back, remember that."

"It's top of my priority Kelly, trust me!" He called before he went round the doorway and into the brightly lit common room. To his surprise Christopher Herrmann, Mouch and Sylvie Brett where all sitting at the table either reading a paper or sitting on their phones. _Must be a little eager today_ , Matt thought to himself with a little chuckle. When he got to the coffee machine he grabbed his usual mug and poured himself a healthy amount into it before heading back in the direction of his office. Well, that was what he'd planned to do before out of the corner of his eye he saw PIC Gabby Dawson walk through the door.Without meaning to, his body kind of slipped into a love induced stair as he leaned up against the counter and watched her walk right up to him. He watched her stop and look up, a confused look on her face although she was still smiling a little awkwardly at him.

"Everything ok lieutenant?" she asked with an uncomfortable laugh.

He took a sharp gasp as he realized that he was staring and coughed to cover his embarrassment. "Hi, errm yeah, I'm fine." he looked up at Herrmann, who was sniggering and shot him a glair. "Morning, was what I meant to say." he said a little to quickly as he returned his gaze back at her, Herrmann was still trying to cover his laugh with multiple coughs.

"Ahh ok." she laughed as she lifted her hand and pointed towards the door. "So I've got an ambo to check so I'm just gunna-" she said as she began walking towards the door, but before she got out of range she turned and shouted over her shoulder, "I'll see you later."

"Yeah!" he called after her, instantly feeling like an idiot. He looked up to Herrmann and sighed.

"You're going to have to tell her lieutenant." he reminded Casey as his boss walked past him.

"Yeah, I know!" he shouted as he walked past him, he could hear Herrmann laughing from out on the floor.

"Ok ladies and gentlemen I'd like to welcome all back to work," there was a murmur of laughs as chief paused. Before he carried on, he made eye contact with Casey - he knew what he meant. "You've all heard it from me plenty of times before but be careful out there, I don't want to be turning up at your family's doors, telling them that you're not coming home. We're gunna have a good shift, keep that in mind." Boden took a deep breath. "Now, lieutenant Casey would like to say a few words."

After getting the hint to gut up from his chair, where he was sat between Kelly and Herrmann, he made his way up to the front, turned and cleared his throat. "However hard it is for me to say this, it has to be said." his breath shook as he breathed in. "In four months I have been called back for duty. Yes, that does mean what you're all thinking, and as much as it pains me to tell you, I won't be lieutenant of 81 during the time I'm overseas of course but when I come back, if I come back I-"

"Don't say that." Gabby blurted out, locking eyes with Matt briefly before looking away a bit embarrassed. Everyone looked at her as the room fell silent. Suddenly she stood up, forcing her chair into the table behind her. "Matt I know that you where a soldier before you became a firefighter, but you have a family here, why throw it all away?" she exclaimed, sounding as if she was on the verge of crying.

Still standing up at the front of the room, all eyes where now on him. "I know that some of you may disagree with my choice but I don't have another option. I've been called for service whether I like it or not, and there's nothing I can do about it. I have had ten years out from the Army after the accident I was in but they want me back, they need me back." Matt stopped as he watched Gabby storm out of the briefing room and head towards the lockers. "I have four months till I go, it's not like I'm going tomorrow!" he exclaimed, mostly angry with the fact that he was unable to go after Gabby.

"Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61, Battalion 25 - apartment fire. 137 and Maddison!" the klaxon screamed out.

Without missing a beat, the whole firehouse team headed in the direction of the floor. Just as Casey came out of the room behind the rest of the firefighters, Gabby appeared next to him as she changed into a light jog to catch up with her partner. "Gabby-" he started trying to choose his words carefully.

"Forget it, its your job. What can I do about it"? she said, her words hitting him hard as he watched the woman he loved disappear into the Ambulance.


	2. Into the Smoke

The house was a bright torch in the middle of the street when the team turned up. The sick feeling that Casey got on the ride to any call was aching at the base of his stomach, the acidic feeling rising up into the back of this throat. He had no idea whether it was the adrenalin pumping through his body or it was genuine fear and anticipation. The smoke was bellowing from the upper windows of the building, and the flames licking the already soot covered brick of the outside of the windows. The fire was a bright orange colour, the one that told any firefighter that there was plenty of fuel inside the building. The same things applied for every call that the men went on under Casey's command, and they where all used to his instructions by now, even though the more experienced firefighters like Herrmann and Mouch weren't very happy when a younger and newer firefighter was put as lieutenant. However, a command was a command, the age of the higher rank didn't matter. They where higher than you, you listened and followed, simple as that.

The guys jumped out of the cab of the trucks and headed round, helmets on and halligan in hand, towards the huddle around the two lieutenants, who where standing either side of the chief. It took seconds for both Severide and Casey to plan a forceful but semi safe entry into the building. Watching them work separately was amazing but when they where together, no words could describe the sight. Casey turned round to face his company, just the same as Severide on the other side. "Ok, 81 listen up!" he shouted over the roar of the fire. "This ones a cross, dangerous buildings and its marked. I want two teams, Otis, Mouch you're with me. Herrmann and Cruz I want you to take the first floor. My team we're headed down to the basement, mask up!"

"Newhouse, Tony, Clarke I want you to take the third floor; Capp you're with me on second. Follow 81 in and men, stay together." Severide ordered as he headed into the inferno, just behind his friend's company.

Inside the head was bearable - but just. The furniture was casting eerie shadows on to the ash stricken walls of the building. At the main hallway, Casey and his team headed forwards and down towards the basement stairs at the end of the corridor. Behind him, Herrmann had already dived into another room, followed by Cruz and confidently began searching even through the heat was painstakingly hard to move in. As Casey and his team descended down the rickety wooden stairs, they could only just hear their Squad colleagues climbing the stairs above them to get to the upper floors that needed searching. The basement stairs where strangely unaffected by the fire that was down here, Casey noted that they needed to move quickly if they wanted to have an easy exit. "Ok, Mouch, Otis - take the left side to search. You find anything, my names the first thing you shout. Understand?" they both nodded before heading into the flames of the left side of the basement. Casey turned and moved swiftly through a huge wall of fire that was blocking his way into a room. "Fire Department, call out!" he shouted through the thick plastic of his breathing mask. He came into the room and tried the first door he came to. Locked, great, he moaned to himself. He lifted his halligan and shoved the tip between the doorframe and the door itself. Casey then jerked it down and the door instantly gave way, he scanned the hallway he had just gained into seeing if there was any imminent bodies that he could get out before he continued forward into the other rooms. The more he thought about it, the more he thought that the building was becoming a maze and he'd have trouble finding his way out. The sick feeling began to rise up in his throat again and the dizzy feeling working its way into every corner of his mind. Still trying every door, he shook his head as he desperately tried to clear his mind to let him focus on his job. However, Gabby's reaction was still at the forefront of his mind. Just as his dizziness cleared he felt a surge of power as he turned and slammed his foot into the door, sending it swinging round and bouncing onto the wall it was hinged onto. He stepped inside and scanned the room. "Fire Department, Call out!" he shouted again, still no answer. He brought his radio up to his mouth and pressed the button. "How we looking Otis?" he asked.  
There was a few seconds of radio crackle before his colleague's voice filled the air. "Looking good lieutenant. No victims in the rooms we've searched and we have a few left. We'll radio you back once we've finished and organize a rendezvous point?"

"Sounds good to me, i'll check in with Herrmann and i'll get back to you. Stand by."

"Copy that lieutenant." Otis replied as the radio went silent.  
_

"Cruz, check that last room. I've got a bad feeling about it!" Herrmann ordered as he kicked in the door opposite. He turned around just as a woman came into view out of the corner of his eye. He jumped into action as he climbed over the debris of the room and headed straight for her, his heart pounding as he heard the sound of splintering wood around him. "Cruz, I need some help over here!" he shouted as his friend turned round then bounded towards him.

"Herrmann, how we looking up there? We've got nothing down here and so if you're clear, we can pile out." Herrmann heard Casey's voice come from his radio just as he and Cruz began to carry the woman towards the door. The shire dead weight of her was making it difficult for them to maneuver through the small doorways of he building. "Herrmann, do you copy?" He heard Casey ask again, going against this, his lieutenant would be expecting the good excuse he was about to get. Just as Cruz and Herrmann managed to get the woman out into the hallway that lead to the exit door when the inevitable happened. Both the firefighters, along with the unconscious victim, dropped to the floor as the celling gave way. Although they where both fine, it was hard to move under the heavy weight of the rubble that was piled on top of them. "Herrmann, Cruz report!" They heard their lieutenant shout worriedly through the radio, this was the chance that Herrmann had to tell him that they where both ok but in need of assistance. "Lieutenant, Herrmann here. Cruz and I have a victim on the first floor hallway, just beside the basement stairs. We're in need of assistance and suggest that Squad aid the extraction from the outside window of the basement."  
"Copy that Herrmann, we're all on our way up to assist you." He could hear Casey and the rest of Truck climbing the stairs close to them as he tried to lift the heavy concrete and still burning wood off of him, the victim and his colleague. "Cruz, you ok buddy?!"  
"Yeah, i'm fine. Where's Casey?" he asked as he pushed himself to his feet and began pulling debris off of the still unconscious victim, the smoke around them getting thicker and more black with every second that passed.

"I'm not sure but-"

"Guys, is everyone ok?" Casey demanded as he ran up to them and immediately began to help move the rubble that was still on top of Herrmann's legs.

"Yeah, we're fine." Cruz shouted as he looked over his shoulder to see Otis and Mouch bounding down the hallway towards them. Then he turned his focus back to his lieutenant, who had already gotten most of the rubble off both Herrmann and the victim, and now was helping his colleague up to his feet.

"Ok, so if everyone's ok we need to get this woman back down to the basement." He turned and saw the fire appearing from the top of the stairs, not a good sign. Casey lifted his radio up to his mouth, "Chief, i'm gunna need Squad down on the east basement window. We need a 15 foot ladder and 61 on standby."

"Copy that Casey, Squad is taking position now. I gotta warn ya, smokes turning black real fast. You need to get outta there as fast as you can. The chance of a secondary collapse cant be ruled out."

"You got it chief, over." He looked down at the body then back to the stairs. "Hey Cruz, is she still breathing?" he demanded as he watched him crouch down and put his hand over the woman's mouth and nose.

"She's breathing." He shouted over the ever growing loudness of the roar of the fire around them.  
Casey moved round to the head of the victim and grabbed her under her arms. "Everyone take a side. We need to get down to the basement ASAP!"

With everyone supporting some part of the woman's body, they all hustled down the stairs and out into the main area of the basement. There was a large open space that already had the ladder that Casey had asked for poking down from the window. "Casey, you guys there?" Severide shouted through the small gap between the ladder and the window frame.

"Yeah we're here. Lower it down boys!" he shouted back.

Just as he'd ordered, Squad lowered the ladder down to the floor and the firefighters of 81 gently placed the victim onto it, just as the firefighters outside pulled the ladder out into the fresher air of outside. Once the ladder was free, the girls of 61 wheeled her away on the gurney where their job started as they tried desperately to keep her alive, long enough to transport her to Chicago Med.

"Guys, it's your turn now!" Kelly yelled just as his team pushed the ladder back through the window so that the rest of truck could come back through the fiery gates of hell and back into the reality that was, the safety of the outside. After Otis, Mouch and Cruz where safely out of the building, Herrmann began his accent up the ladder. Suddenly, a tremor raced through the structure of the building, knocking him off balance and sent him tumbling onto the floor. What he didn't know was that his lieutenant was also in the same place and likewise for the other firefighters out on the street. The building had begun to collapse and in the confusion, heat and panic of the situation, Herrmann and Casey had been split up.

"Herrmann, get up now!" Kelly ordered as he helped steady the ladder that was still, only just visible through the thick and heavy gray smoke.

"But Casey-!" He began as he turned and started looking for his lieutenant.

"Herrmann, get your ass back up here. I'll go and get him, if the structure goes, think about your family!"

"I'm not leaving him down here!" he shouted just before the smoke around him consumed his dark turnout jacket.

"Goddamned truck guys!" Kelly cursed as she made the bold decision to go in after his friends.

Before he was able to get his legs though the window he felt a strong hand grab onto his arm and drag him to his feet. He tried to fight but when he realized who it was, that idea was way out of the question. Kelly's eyes met with Boden's and he let out a sigh if frustration.

"Herrmann and Casey are down there chief, I'm not letting Herrmann risk his life on his own!" the pain in his voice told Boden everything.

"Herrmann is a good firefighter, we all know that and he'll find Casey and they'll both be fine!" he said as he held onto his squad lieutenant just a little bit tighter.

"Kelly, Chief, whats going on!?" Gabby shouted as she ran towards the huddle of firefighters. Her t-shirt was covered in blood but she seemed to be ok, typical Gabby. When she reached Kelly, breathing hard, she looked from the smokey window to both her boss then her friend. "Where's Casey? Kelly, goddammit where is he?!"

"Gabby take a step back, Herrmann is down there now looking for him." Boden said walking her over to the rest of the truck company. "What happened to the victim?" he asked trying to make her focus on something other than what was happening in the collapsed building.

Gabby took a deep breath and looked down at the floor, "97 took her to Med, they're on their way now." She looked over his shoulder as two silhouettes emerged from the smokey window. Gabby felt her heart beat quicken as the panic subsided a little and hope filled her body. She'd been meaning to tell Casey how she felt for ages now, ever since she first met him in fact. That was ten years ago, the only thing stopping her was that she knew that he didn't feel the same way. The guilt of the way she acted in roll call this morning was one of the reasons why she knew he didn't feel the same way, if he did he would have come after her. She'd been trying to make herself tell him for all the time that she'd know him but every time she'd wanted to, it was either the wrong time or she was just too nervous to tell him. Now, the reality of it was that she had four months to tell him the truth and now the call had really put a kink in her plan. What if he doesn't make it out alive, she asked herself. She knew she was over reacting so she took a deep breath and prepared herself for the worst.

"Capp, help him up!" Kelly ordered as he rushed to Herrmann's side. Just as the firefighter was pulled up onto his feet, Casey emerged coughing and spluttering from up the ladder.

"Matt!" Gabby called out as chief released his grip on her. She ran up to him and stopped two feet from where he was standing. She was afraid that if she got any closer, something would happen that she'd regret later on. He we looking straight at her, a mix of fear and relief burned brightly behind his eyes as he continued to cough. She jumped into action, grabbed his arm and began to lead him towards the ambo. "Steady on their lieutenant, anyone would think you where trying to get yourself killed." she managed to say as the relief in her body was making her throat feel tight.


	3. The Truth is Out

Casey was sitting at his desk, his head in his hands trying to make sense of everything that had happened this shift. First of all, the whole Gabby think put him on edge and then the way she reacted when he came of the building...His head wasn't in a good place and being a firefighter, that was the difference between life and death. He looked up to the photo he had on his desk, the one of the whole firehouse standing in a big group photo on the day that 51 opened. It was the turning point of his career. He'd been promoted to lieutenant after only doing one years candidate work on 67 across town. That day was the best day of his life, reminiscing over that was the one good thing that had come from today. Matt lifted his head and pulled out his desk drawer. On top of the stack of completed paper work was the copy of his service paper. He took it out and read it again. It still hadn't sunk in and this was the fourth time he'd read it in forty-eight hours. The thought of going through all the horrors again was something he was ready for, that didn't take much preparation but the one thing that did scare him was not coming back home. He was scared that this time he would have to say goodbye for real, say goodbye to the people he loved most in his life and that, that was what he wasn't ready for. He heard a light tap on his door and looked up, Boden was standing at his door. With an unsure feeling in his stomach, Casey made his way to his office door and pulled it open. "Its different to see you this far from your office chief." he joked making them both laugh.

"Yeah, well I needed a postcard to fill that space on my wall." like usual, chief went along with the joke.

"Ha, Ha, very funny." Matt took a seat on his deck chair and span round so he was facing him. "So, what can I do you for Chief?"

Boden crossed his arms across his chest. "How are you doing Matt?"

The tone of his voice was the one thing that scared Casey the most. Sure Boden cared but never in the ten years that he'd known him had he come to anyone's office to see if they where ok. If he's made the effort to come and check on him, there was absolutely no point in hiding how he was feeling. As long as he didn't start crying, which was highly unlikely, he was gunna be fine. "Truthfully, no."

Boden raised his eyebrows and shifted his stance. "How so, if there's anything that I can do, the CFD do offer-"

"Chief all due respect but on the whole work front I'm fine, honestly. I'm just not to sure where my heads at at the moment." Casey took a deep breath and ran his hands through his blonde hair. He looked down at the Army form that was sitting on his desk and picked it up, he then handed it to Boden a little too reluctantly. He watched as his boss scanned the page, reading it twice through before handing it back.

"It's a noble thing that you're doing Matt." He stated finally. "You're doing the right thing."

"Yeah, but it doesn't feel like it. After what Gabby said earlier, Chief I just can't get it out of my head. I realize now that I'm focusing on the wrong things in life, all the little details that don't mean anything to anyone. I just need to focus on my job for the next four months then go." Boden could tell that he was getting worked up over the stress he had just endured.

"Let me tell you something." He leaned up against the wall. "When I was in the navy, I got called back for duty. Id been on Truck 87 for about five years and Herrmann and Mouch where pretty worked up about it when I told them I was being called again. I know I haven't been through anything like you've been through, but it feels the same way to me. The reason that everyone is getting so worked up about it is because they want you to come back and run 81 like the lieutenant that you where born to be. 81 is your truck, it always will be and I don't care if your here running it like the noble firefighter you are, or over seas fighting boldly for this county." Still holding the eye contact Boden carried on. "I never had the pleasure of meeting your father but I was at that warehouse when it went up. I had just rescued a woman from the back room and I was out demanding to my chief to let me go back in. That was when it went up and the feeling I had when I realized that a whole truck company and three squads had been wiped out, it must have been pretty close to how you felt when that convoy went up that you where in. Matt, I'm not trying to change your mind here, because you're old enough to make your own decisions. If this has anything to do with your father than cast it aside, he would have been proud of you no mater what you choose, I'm one hundred percent sure of it."

"Thank you sir," Casey started as he got up form his chair and made his way over to his boss. He held out his hand, unsure that if he spoke again it would come out as strong as he wanted it to.

Boden grasped it but held the eye contact. He was testing Casey's emotional state and as always, he passed with flying colours. He let go and started for the door. "I better get back to my office, I'll see you later." he said before the door closed behind him and Casey was left in the silence of his office once more.

He went over and sat behind his desk, the Army paper still on top of all of his other case files and run forms. He took a deep breath and returned his head to the cradle of his hands. However much he though about it, he couldn't stop thinking about how he could have gone after Gabby when he was giving his speech in roll call. It kept bugging him, and then when she came running up to him on the call...god he needed to tell her how he felt. He was afraid that if he didn't do it today, this shift, he would never have the balls to do it again. With a limited amount of time, things had to be done, and soon. He looked over his shoulder and his eyes latched onto the words at the bottom of the page 'Honor and reality, bravery and power.' All the wars where about power, or religion and to Casey, it was all a stupid game. He shook the sadness from his head and swallowed hard just as he heard a light knock at his door. He expected it to be Herrmann or another one of his team coming to try and talk him out of being deployed, although it wouldn't ever work. "What?" he demanded in a slightly too blunt tone, even before he looked up to see who it was. As soon as he did he felt a wave of guilt hit him like a bus as he stood up and headed quickly towards the door. He pulled it open as Gabby looked up, their eyes meeting.

"Matt if this is a bad time?" she started but Matt interrupted.

"No! No, not at all. Now is just as good a time as any." he said as he opened the door a little more so that she could come in. He closed the door behind her and watched her turn to face him.

"Matt look, I'm so sorry for the way that I reacted when you told the house today about your deployment." She breathed in a sharp but shaking breath as she ran her hand though her hair and turned to face the wall. "I shouldn't have walked out. I made a fool of me and more importantly I disrespected you." She was looking right at him now, however she still wasn't making eye contact with him.

"You didn't disrespect me. You reacted in a way that you understood, and you're not the only one who feels like that. Hell, I'm the one that's going and even I feel like that." his voice was raising but not out of anger towards Gabby or himself, but out of fear of going. He turned and grabbed her shoulder, she looked right up at him now, eye contact and all. "Gabby, I have something that I desperately need to tell you."

"Sure, me to-"

"Can I just - if I don't do it now I don't think I ever will be able to." he took a deep breath, and smiled at her. She smiled back, however he could feel she was shaking with anticipation. "I've known you for ten years and I've been roughing myself up to tell you all this time. The reason I didn't run after you when I was telling the guys about my deployment was because I was scared that if I did, I would do something wrong and push you away for good." he took a deep breath and laughed uncomfortably. "Damnit, I've had feelings for you since the moment I first met you and its taken a lot for me to get that out, and I-"

Gabby stepped forward and gently pressed her lips to his. He was rambling, and the way he was getting so worked up was enough to tell her that this was the right time. His lips where soft against hers. He tasted like nothing else she'd tasted before and the way he held her was enough to make her heart go into overdrive. As their lips slowly moved together, she could tell that he was scared of taking the lead and it made her mentally laugh at how sweet he was. She slowly slid her hands up so they where either side of his face and slowly ran her thumbs over his cheeks. His hands slid down her arms and finished on her hips as she walked forwards, pushing him into the blind covered door. She pulled away a small distance, their eyes locked and she smiled shyly. "You where rambling..." she whispered into his neck just before she kissed there, his pulse felt nice under her lips.

"Way to stop me." he laughed as he watched her pull away and join in the laughter. His expression changed from adorably stunned from when she surprised him with the kiss, to now being more considerate. "You said that you had something to tell me to. Well, before we-"

She giggled as she pulled him in for a hug and rested her head against his shoulder. "You just said to me what I came here to tell you." She kissed his neck again before he moved so he could see her face.

"So you're saying that you've felt the same for a while now?" his expression was a little dazed, Gabby could tell that he was still in major shock from the kiss.

She laughed again and placed her hand on his cheek. "i'm saying that I have felt exactly the same since the first time I saw you. I've been in love with you like a stupid person for ten years, but like you - I've just never had the balls to say anything about it to you."


	4. Meant To Be

Gabby was sitting on the end of Matt's bunk as she watched him work. She staired at the curves of his muscles under his gray Lieutenants shirt and sighed; it was loud enough for her to hear but it wasn't the same for him. The moments that had happened in the last thirty minutes where all she could think about - the taste of his skin and the slightest but most precise movements he made as he lifted her up. After the discussion was over. Matt had taken the lead and kissed her. It was nice, in a way, to see his more dominant side, afterall she was the one who kissed him in the first place. After that time he had carried her over to his bunk, he kissed her slowly as she lay beneath him. That was all Gabby could think about, that was all she wanted to think about.

"You okay?" he asked quietly as he looked over her shoulder and smiled. His blonde hair was glittering like a golden halo in the sunlight.

It was the warm kind of smile and not the general kind. Gabby was really beginning to pick up on all the hints she was missing now the truth was out. She sighed again as she pulled the corners of her mouth into a bright, beaming smile. "Yeah, I'm fine." She glanced out if the Window before quickly returning her glance to his. "Thank you for letting me sit with you. I know you have a lot of work to do and i-"

"Hey, it's fine." pushing himself up off his chair, he made his way towards her - their eyes still locked. The warm feeling was back in his stomach. She was the girl he wanted to be with, he was just thankful that she felt the same way. When he reached his bunk he took a seat beside her and grasped her hand. Pulling her hand so it was rested in his on his lap, she shuffled towards him and rested her head on his shoulder. Before he could do anything about it her hand had gently touched the side of his face and turned it so they where looking at each other. As her hand slid round to the back of his neck, he leaned in and touched his lips to hers. For the short time that it was, the kiss was still as perfect as anything she'd done before. When she pulled away the smile on his face was a ray of sunshine in the dimness of the office. As his eyes opened, the smile remained but the beautiful sight of his blue eyes made it feel like they where the only two people in the world.

"Ambulance 61 - patient transfer. 6123 on Michigan." the Klaxon called out.

With a sigh Gabby pushed herself off the bed. Before she should get too far she felt Matt grip her hand and pull her back into him. As he heald her for a second in a warm embrace, she turned and kissed him before heading to the door with a little giggle. "Stay safe!" he called after her as she slipped out of the door.

Matt had just got back to his paperwork when he heard a knock on his office door. At the back of his mind he knew who it was, with a slight roll of his eyes he turned in the direction and gestured for his colleague to enter his office. Herrmann was standing with his hands behind his back, almost to attention, when his lieutenant finally let him know that it was okay for him to come in. Chris knew it was a risk that Casey maybe blunt with him, after all he had probably heard the same speech from Severide and possibly Boden. However, he felt like he needed to share his opinion - maybe, if he said the right thing, Casey may just want to stay.

"Afternoon Lieutenant." Herrmann said cautiously as he entered the room. The atmosphere was tense as Casey was leaning back in his desk chair with his feet on the top of his desk, fiddling with his pen, a stern look on his face. "I just came to talk to you about-"

"I know exactly what you're here to talk to me about." Casey said casually as he swept his feet of the desk and rose to standing. Walking alongside his bunk, Casey turned and let his eye fall to Herrmann's. "Look Chris, i've known you for ten years and my gratitude for the work you do only grows. Herrmann, you're one of my closet friends and i really appreciate you trying to talk me out of this, i really do, but its not going to happen. Trust me, a few people have tired. With a long sigh he ran his hand through his hair before turning back to face his friend. "The thing is that i can't help but question my judgment on this whole thing, i mean me and Gabby-"

"What did you just say?" Herrmann exclaimed as he checked through the glass in the door to see if anyone else heard him. Taking a few steps towards Matt then sitting beside him on his bunk, he tried his hardest to hold back his surprised laugh. Beside him, Matt was sat forward, his head in his hands. As Casey slowly began to sit up, the frustration was almost written across his face. "Are you tellin' me that you and Dawson are dating?!" He exclaimed as Casey glared at him to shut up.

As a smile slowly crept onto his face, Matt couldn't help but nod. The warm feeling was beginning to spread across his body again. Every time he thought about her, felt her touch or even heard her name he felt it and he slowly began to register that feeling as home. Ever since he was in the Army, home was never a place but more of a feeling. His buddies had always told him that it was either the feeling of returning to family after a tour or it was the feeling you got when your girl kissed you. Finally he understood what they meant. Looking back at Herrmann he began to nod. "You can't tell anyone, not a single soul, and i mean it this time." Matt stood up and Herrmann instantly followed him out the door.

"Awww - our little Casey is all grown up!" He exclaimed as they walked through the common room doors. "Your secret is safe with me lieutenant!" He whispered as Matt headed straight for the coffee machine, Herrmann then instantly took the path towards his seat next to Mouch on the sofa. After pouring himself a healthy amount of coffee into one of the mugs left by the machine, Matt took up residence in his normal spot at the head of the rectangular table to the right of the common room. Seconds later Severide entered with a mug in one hand and the daily paper in the other.

"Look who's out of his pit!" Kelly exclaimed with a laugh as he took a seat beside his best friend. "Had enough of the same four walls of your office?"

"Ha Ha, very funny." Matt replied as he swallowed a mouthful of coffee. "I was actually having a lengthy conversation with Herrmann about the benefits of thermal CBA masks." He lied trying to hide the truth. Tapping his fingers against the table, Matt realized that he was probably giving away the fact that he was a full with nervous energy. The more time that slowed down, he began to realized how much this house meant to him, the more the thought of leaving it all and possibly of never returning was almost enough to send him over the edge. Taking a deep breath and summoning every inch of panic and anxiety out of his voice, Matt pushed a smile onto his face and lent forward towards Severide. "Dawson and i are officially together." he whispered.

Matt watched as Kelly's eyes flashed up from the paper he was reading. Seconds later his mouth opened as he let out a little gasp. "You slippery bastard!" Kelly whispered, a huge smile now lighting up his face as he moved closer towards his best friend. "How did you, did you just tell her or what?"

Still unsure of really what happened, Matt began to stand up and waited for Kelly to catch on before he headed for the bunk room. When they where both sure that no one was in there to hear their conversation Matt spilled everything. "I can't remember exactly what happened." he said, still a little dazed. "I've never been in a relationship before."

Kelly's eyes grew in shock. "Wait what!? You, the good looking soldier, have NEVER had a girlfriend!?" Matt shook his head, Kelly could tell that he was a little embarrassed. "Awww, well isn't this just perfect!" he exclaimed with a little chuckle. "I'm so happy for you. She okay with you going over to Afghanistan now?"

Matt shook his head and ran his hand through his hair again. It was a really bad habit he had gotten into ever since he came out of therapy. "If I'm being one hundred percent honest, I don't think she's ever going to be okay with it but she's putting on a brave face."

"She's just scared that she's going to loose you, that's all." Kelly said as he took a step towards Matt and placed a hand on his shoulder. "She doesn't want you to go because she loves you and I think deep down," Severide moved his hand and lightly jabbed Matt with his finger where his heart is. "In here, you know that."

"Yeah I know." Matt started as he tried to control his emotions. "I'm going to miss it here."

"You're starting to have second thoughts aren't you?" Severide exclaimed as he told himself that he was slowly getting through to his best friend. "You're having second thoughts because you want to be with Gabby."

Walking towards his office, Matt turned and stopped. "I don't want to leave her." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "She means a lot to me, you know that Kelly?"

"I sure do and I know she feels the same towards you." He replied watching Matt go. "It's obvious!"


	5. To Honour a Friend

**So the reviews I have had on this book so far have been really positive, I'm guessing that you guys like it? So from this chapter on the back story of what happened to Matt the first time he was out in Afghanistan will slowly start to leak through. Hope I make it gradual enough - this is a short story so there is only 16 chapters. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy; don't forget to leave a review and i'll see you all soon!  
~ Freya ❤**

 _'Your service for your president and your country is greatly appreciated, you are a part of the incredible members of society who help keep America Safe. We solute you and your bravery.'_ Was the words at the end of every letter that Matt had spaced out in front of him. He'd had enough of sitting in a quite room going through everything that needed to be sorted before he went overseas; the flight plans to LA, all his equipment being ordered for renewal back at the base he was going to. When he had nothing to live for, and by this he meant no family to tie him down, Matt thought this part the easiest because he found it helped him get into the right mindset before heading off to war. However, now Gabby was in the picture, as his girlfriend, as well as having all his friends back at the firehouse he knew it would effect him more than it ever used to. The thing was, he was always going to have a tough time going away on this tour anyway, all of the friends he was leaving behind, and even if he hadn't been able to tell Gabby how much she meant to him, he would have struggled even more because he wasn't able to get it off his chest. But now he'd made a promise, that he would serve his country for the second time, and he knew that this time he'd come back alive and well and ready to start his life properly. Then he could marry Gabby, start a family and never have to worry about the Army being on his case ever again. That was the life he wanted and he was closer to getting it with every day that passed.

It felt strange, being alone in a room that was lit up like a Christmas tree and still feeling cold and like you're sitting in a room of darkness. Every once and a while Matt would check his phone for the time and it would seem like hours had gone past but in fact it had only been a few moments. He felt like this a lot over the last few months. Maybe it was just because he was trying to prepare himself from being way from everyone. The thing he did find was the he tended to space out a lot - he would get lost in his own thoughts, then politely brought back to the real world by one of his colleagues. For the love of all gods he wished that Gabby was on time or even better - early. He needed her now, more than he thought he ever had and in a way it was kind of a nice feeling. He was so happy that he had been able to tell her how much she meant to him, that he was in love with her, and find out that she felt exactly the same way. He was scared at the start that if he told her he would push her away for good and have to face seeing her with another guy. What he meant was that if she was happy, that was all he wanted for her, but he wouldn't help feeling just a little jealous over her partner. However, he didn't have to worry about that anymore. She was with him and it made him the happiest person alive to know that she wanted to be with him and no body else.

Suddenly, he heard a knock that the door and he felt his heart fly into overdrive. He got the same feeling again that he had when she touched her lips to his for the first time in his office a few months ago. Standing up so quickly from his chair, a sudden wave of nausea hit him, he had to stand there for a second to regain his balance before shaking it off and heading straight for the door. Standing just behind the piece of house that separated himself from Gabby, he looked down at his shirt and slid his hands over the chest to try and remove some of the wrinkles. He wasn't desperately worried about the way he looked because he knew that he could get changed before they left for the restaurant but he did it because it was kind of a nervous habit he had. As he pulled the door open, the biggest smile spread across his face as he saw her. Gabby was standing there in a loose black cardigan over a pretty red winter dress and ankle boots. She looked beautiful every time he saw her, even at work and when she was at Molly's, but now felt different. Now he knew that she had made the effort for him and it spread a warm feeling across the inside of his body. "Hey!" he started with a slight touch to much excitement, as soon as he'd said it he knew he was showing how he was feeling.

Gabby smiled at her feet as soon as he spoke. Matt knew that she was a little shy, which was strange because she was always so confident when on calls and in life in general. Looking up at him but not quite meeting his eye, Gabby smiled and replied: "Hey."

Matt was unable to do anything. He just stood there dumbstruck at how beautiful she looked. He'd never had a girlfriend before because he was always to worried about giving them the wrong impression. Also, the fact that he didn't want to put them in the position of having to suffer if he died out in service. Now, this time, he was ready to start something. After all the time he had spend wondering whether trying to be with the one person he loved more than anyone else, he was now happy that he was finally with her and that she felt the same way. Besides, the tour he was departing on in two months was not the most dangerous one he had been on - he was happy that it was going to be his last though. "Come in!" he said moving out the way of the door, and instantly started mentally kicking himself of how stupid he must of seemed when he spaced out. "Let me help you with that." he carried on as he turned round to see Gabby shrugging off her coat.

"And he's a gentleman as well." she noted out loud trying to make him smile, which of course it did. He was happy that she was easing up and that it seemed like the shyness was disappearing. As he took it gently from her hands and hung it up softly on the banister, Gabby grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled him towards her till their lips touched. Waiting just for a moment before pulling away, she knew that she had startled him but she knew as well that she left him wanting more; with a smile she finally met his eyes. "I'm glad that this is a thing now," she whispered looking from his eyes to the floor and then back again. "I'm glad that _we're_ a thing."

"I don't think you understand how long I've been waiting for this." he blurted out instantly feeling his cheeks heat as the embarrassment came on fast.

Gabby laughed, like he knew she would, and began to walk towards the living room. "Just remember, I've been feeling exactly the same about this as you have for the past ten years you know!" She replied over her shoulder as she entered the clean and tidy room. The second she walked in she saw the explosive mess of paper that was covering the majority of the dining room table and stopped. Taking the sight in, Gabby knew exactly what they where, she turned to Matt and gave a light smile that even he knew was put on. "Working still, at this hour?" she said quietly "you'll tire yourself out." Matt watched her as she tried to correct her body language so she thought he wouldn't ask what was wrong. Walking towards her at a slow pace, Matt came around to her front and pulled her in for a hug. "Just trying to keep myself busy." he answered quietly at the beginning but then found his voice. "I know you don't want me to go, but I-"

"Have to. Yeah I know." she said softly into his shoulder trying to dismiss the tight feeling in her throat.

Pulling away, Matt could see her beautiful big brown eyes, that where fighting the urge not to let the tears fall, and couldn't help but sigh. "I know you don't want me to go," he repeated. "I know the guys don't want me to go either, but the thing is I value your opinion more than theirs-"

"Matt." She said, now able to speak normally.

"I have to go, and I know I do have a choice-"

"Matt, you're-"

"and I've been putting this all off for over ten years and I-"

Suddenly, her lips where on his again, and he couldn't help but hold her there for a while. He let his brain carry on processing all of this new information - Gabby's possible change of heart about him going on tour, before he pulled away and met her eyes. "You where rambling." she whispered with a little giggle.

Casey sighed and rested his chin on the top of her head. "I know."

"I can tell that you're scared, but you're one of the best soldiers this country has to offer and if they're calling you back for extra service after what you've already been through - there must be a reason for it." She tried to comfort him.

Taking a second to digest what she had just said to him, Matt couldn't help stare at her natural beauty. Still their arms wrapped around each other, Matt slowly leaned forward until his lips where held firmly against hers. "I love you, you know." he whispered as he finally found the strength to pull away, but his lips still brushed hers as he spoke.

"I love you too." she said back before returning her chin to his shoulder. "How about we stay in tonight."

"Gabby, we don't have to." Matt started as he tried to look at her. "We had it all planned. We've been together for a few months now and it was going to be a sorta-"

"Sweetie, if I'm being honest, I don't really fancy a night in a restaurant with that annoying classical music you know I hate." she laughed to let him know that she was just making up an excuse to try and stay I. "Besides, I'd much rather cook and talk to you for hours." Gabby finished her mini speech with her hand braced across his cheek and her lips inches from his.

"If you where to cook, I'm not sure you'll be able to find enough food to make a full meal." He said quietly making her giggle.

"Are you sure?" She laughed as she headed for the kitchen. "How about you tidy the table and go have a shower and shave, while I cook up a storm."

He couldn't help but smile at her. She was everything he ever wanted. He was also really thankful that she didn't bring up the papers on the table. He knew that she knew exactly what they where, but she was gracious enough not to make him talk about it. Gabby could read him and he knew it - it must have been something she'd learned to do at some point in her life and she was good at it, but she was good at a lot of things - she was an extremely talented woman. She was an amazing paramedic, one of the best in the city and everyone knew it - not just 51; as well as being a domestic goddess, as Herrmann liked to put it. She was a phenomenal cook, however she refused to cook for the house for some unknown reason. Gabby had been at 51 since it opened, like they all had, and so Gabby didn't cook, that was that. However, she was the sweetest and most single minded person he had ever met and he felt privileged to even know her, let alone be in a relationship with her. As Matt's mind slowly adjusted to the fact that he had spaced out again, the warm sensation was all over his cheeks. Suddenly he felt her lips lightly touch his and in a slight surprise he gave a little gasp.

"Hey baby, are you okay?" she asked softly as she rested her hand on his chest.

He gave a week smile as he replied, he knew it wasn't going to be good enough to convince her that he was okay but it was worth a try. "Nope." he said softly, now looking at the floor. "But I'll tell you all about it after I've had a shower okay?"

"I'm here whenever you need to talk to me sweetie." she replied, rocking onto the balls of her feet to reach his lips. "Just tell me in you're own time."


	6. Ripped To Pieces

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, water dripping off his chin, Matt stared at the reflection of himself and sighed. He looked rough. He hadn't been sleeping well, partly because of the fact that Gabby had been teaching classes to the new paramedic candidates at the CFD academy for the past few weeks, and he struggled to fall into a worth while sleep when she wasn't around. Also, his mind was constantly raising. Always trying to weigh up if going overseas was worth all this pain and suffering that he was putting himself through. He knew he wanted to help the people that weren't lucky enough to live in a country as safe as the one that he called home, but he was slowly beginning to have slightly selfish thoughts about the way he wanted to just get on with his life.

Slowly dragging the razor blade over the stubble of under his chin and up till he reached his bottom lip, Casey watched his hand tremble slightly. He was frustrated - and angry, and upset and desperate, as well as many other emotions all rolled up into one tight ball inside him that was getting ready to explode. He wanted to trash the place, get his emotions out physically, but in a way he didn't - he stopped himself and held very very still, he could hear Gabby quietly humming to herself, like a mother soothing her baby, downstairs as she cooked him the first proper home meal he had gotten all week. That was what stopped him from loosing control. Gabby was the one person who had that type of control over him. She was never forceful, she never needed to shout at him to make him listen, it was just something about her voice that made him __want__ to listen.

After he had finished his shave, Matt walked into his bedroom and pulled out a neatly folded pair of jeans and a shirt. After putting his trousers on, he made his way over to the mirror and slowly did the buttons of his shirt up, over the faded scars that littered his stomach and chest. He could feel the knot in the base of his throat pull tighter as every second passed, each one reminding him he was getting closer to the moment that he would have to tell Gabby the reason why he hated talking about the time he was last on tour. He had to, he owed her that at least, and he wasn't going to intentionally deprive her of information that could possibly help her talk him down in the near future. He looked at his tired face and washed out eyes - they weren't as blue as they usually where and even he saw that. Matt knew that Gabby saw he was suffering, he knew it for a fact and he picked up on all the times that she tried to make him feel like he could talk to her - every time she went the extra mile to make him laugh, or the way she always made him feel like she was there whenever he needed to be told that he was loved no matter what he did. His tough upbringing made it hard to be like everyone else. His father was hard on him, always pushing him to be better and more advanced in his studies. He thanked his father for the way he was treated as a kid. He was disciplined, when he had done something wrong, he was made aware of it and he was always pushed to work hard at school. Whenever Casey made conversation with a new acquaintance, he was always conscious of the way he spoke and the words he chose to use. He was extremely well educated, but he was scared that if he unleashed his experiences and his knowledge to the listener, he would be seen as a cocky asshole who though he knew everything. However, that all changed when he found a job he knew a lot about. Growing up, Matt had spent a lot of time at a fire house. He knew the ins and outs of the whole station after a month of visiting. All the questions that he asked and all the training books he read over and over, his fathers colleagues where sure that he would've been able to pass both the candidate __and__ lieutenant's written exam at the age of thirteen. However, this aided his career when he first joined the academy after coming back from Afghanistan for the first time. Matt scored top of his class in his written exam and came second in the physical, only that to his fellow candidate - Kelly Severide. It was pure luck that Matt and Kelly where moved from their separate fire houses, the ones that they where placed in when they graduated from the academy, to 51 when it opened. Kelly was the one person Matt trusted. They kept in touch through their time as candidates and regularly met up for drinks when they both had a down day, but when they moved to the newly opened 51, that was when everything changed…

Walking down the stairs, Matt nervously running his hands over the front two panels of his shirt, like he did when he was uncomfortable, Casey made his way into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around Gabby's waist - then following immediately to rest his chin on her shoulder.

"Someone doesn't smell like beer anymore." Gabby laughed as she turned down the stove and balanced the lid of the pan over the simmering food before turning to face him.

"Whatever it is, it smells nicer than anything I could have ordered at a restaurant." He said with a distant expression.

Gabby reached up and cupped his cheeks in her hands. "Hey, what's up sweetie?" she asked, just managing to finish before a tear slid down his face. Never in the ten years that she had know him had she ever seen him cry. Without even thinking about it, Gabby gently slid her thumb over the tear clearing it from his face and kissed where it had been - her lips against his soft newly shaven skin. More and more tears started to flow as he tried to force himself to hide his emotions, but he soon found out that hiding them was just making it worse. He let his head roll forward onto her shoulder and he let all the sobs wash out. He was to tired to hold them back now. He was standing in his kitchen with the one person who understood him more than anyone else - and he actually felt, for the first time in his life, that he didn't have to hide. That he didn't have to live up to his fathers tough expectations and hide behind a facade that tried to make people think that he was tougher that he actually was. He felt safe crying into her her shoulder, he did feel ashamed, but he felt like this was the perfect place to be when he felt like this. She wouldn't think he was attention seeking, Gabby just knew that he was having a tough time with his whole life and just her being there, holding him till he was strong enough to explain to her why he was feeling like this was enough to make him trust her with anything. He knew that Gabby was the one from the moment he met her, but it was times like this when she really proved how much he needed her.

Gabby was leaning against the counter top, Matt's head on her shoulder hidden from sight, and one hand on his neck and the other on his chest. He was braced against her but she didn't feel like she couldn't move - she felt like she never wanted to move. Matt was going through a tough time and she wanted nothing more than to be there for him whenever he needed her, she was just trying to spend every second she could with him before he left in few months. God she wanted him to stay, she wanted him to stay because she was afraid of loosing him, of never seeing him again but she knew they where all selfish reasons. They couldn't live up to the reasons of why he was fighting to help these people who had nothing compared to what they had, but she still wanted him right where he was. She wanted him to stay in her arms forever, if he did at least she would know that she could protect him from anything life threw at him.

As the sobbing started to subside, Matt brought his sparkly eyed pale face away from her shoulder and instantly tried to walk away. Grabbing his hand before he could get any farther, he turned to face her and the look that he gave was enough to make Gabby's hear shatter into a million pieces. He looked so tired and warn out. She knew he hadn't been sleeping well over the past few months, but she had been trying to stay with him as much as she could. However, with extra training and classes she was teaching at the academy it was proving more difficult than she wanted it to be. "Matt, I-"

"I need to tell you." He said in almost a whisper that shut her up completely. "I need to tell you the truth about what happened in Afghanistan." His voice breaking with all the tension and emotion he was feeling.

Gabby pulled him towards her and kissed him on the lips. She instantly felt his body relax slightly as she slid her hands up his chest and round till her fingers where interlocked around his neck. "You tell me when you want to, I-"

"The tour had gone great," He started, knowing that if he didn't then he would never be able to tell her. "We had everything done and we where heading home." He looked her in the eye as his voice slowly got stronger. "The guys where talking about how they had missed their families and how they where looking forward to taking their kids to the park again, just normal talk as we made our way from Base to the airport we caught our flight back to LAX. Mark, my longest friend from the forces, was up front driving the lead armored vehicle in the convoy and had his radio on so he could join in the conversation. It went from us having a casual talk to me waking up in the dimness of an overturned vehicle, not that I knew that at the time. None of us knew what had happened until we smelt the smoke and managed to get out of the cab. That - that was when we knew that errr, that we knew that Mark and his team where gone and I was so mad at myself when we finally got home!"

"Why was that?" Gabby asked carefully making sure that she didn't set him off again.

His soft blue eyes floated up to hers. "I never went and told his wife and kids how sorry I was that I didn't swap places with him."

"You couldn't have known that it was going to happen." Gabby protested.

"We all knew that driving the first car was the most dangerous, I shouldn't have let him do it!"

"Baby, what you're talking about happened over ten years ago. You can't keep making yourself believe that!" She replied desperately trying to calm him down as his anger rose.

"He had a family!" Matt finally exclaimed, all his anger now flowing. "He had a family, and what did I have? I had nothing. I should have been the one that died that day. I didn't have a family. I didn't have children or a wife, my father died doing his job fifteen years ago and my mother of cancer a year after him." He was so angry with himself tears where streaming down his face again. "I had nothing to live for, no one would have missed me and being honest, the world would have been a better place without me in it."

"So you're happy that you never would have been a firefighter. That you never would have met the guys at 51, that you never would have met me." Gabby stepped towards him, trying to make him realize how he was starting to make her feel. "What you're saying is that you'd much rather be dead than in the situation you are in now?" Her voice was soft, not accusing just asking for the answers to questions she had. "You're telling me that you would give up our relationship; our chance to be happy together, to start a family together - all to go back and die in the place of your friend?"

"I'm broken Gabby." Matt whispered as he pulled her into a tight hug. "I'm broken beyond being able to be fixed and you still love me, it doesn't make any sense."

"I love you for the man that you are." She started quietly as she rested her head against his chest. "I love you no matter what you've been through or what you've done because you're a decent honest man who is loyal and feels the same way towards me as I do towards you. You've been through a lot and I get that, you've seen things that no one gets to see, but at the end of the day you're a man that has been literally through the wars," she felt him breathe a laugh and she smiled to herself. "you deserve some happiness after everything you've done. I just hope that I'm able to give that to you."

"You've helped me in more ways than you can even imagine." He said as he pulled away and held her face in his hands. Leaning down to kiss her was like reaching for the hand that supposedly took you to heaven. He felt happy suddenly, like he had everything he wanted. "I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier." he apologized as he pulled her in for a hug and rested his chin on her head.

"You where angry and upset, I get it. You just needed someone to vent to."

"Gabby," she pulled away and looked at him with a little smile pulling at the corners of her lips. "I don't know where I'd be without you."

"You changed my life as well you know!" she laughed trying to get a smile from him. "I love you." Gabby finished as she rolled up on the balls of her feet to reach his lips.

Leaning down to meet her in the middle, their lips touched briefly before he pulled away and smiled at her. "I love you too."


	7. Take My Hand

After dinner, Matt was still sat at the table fiddling with a left over fork that was sat in front of him. He'd been quiet for the whole time after he broken down before they sat down to eat. Gabby was great, as she always was, and gave him the space that he needed as they ate. There was odd moments of conversation but it was mostly silence. So many things had been running through his head then: what he was going to do being away from her; being able to function without her, as well as things like how much he loved her and was thankful that he had invited her round. The thought of laying in bed, alone, his eyes fixed to the dim ceiling above him and it did not seem appealing at a time like this.

Looking down at the shiny silver piece of cutlery that was balanced between his index finger and his thumb, Matt took a deep breath, that still smelt like the delicious food Gabby had just cooked, and tried to force the tight feeling that was sat high in his throat down like he usually had to. Pushing himself up from the table, Casey took the fork with him to the kitchen as an excuse to go and stand close to her. Walking into the kitchen, Gabby was standing over the sink humming to herself as she did the dishes. Matt leaned up against the doorframe and watched her for a moment; he thought about what it would be like to see her like this in three years time, and possibly there would be a ring in her finger and a little toddler standing with a smile on his or her face, clinging onto Gabby's leg. The thought made him smile. God he wanted that more than anything. He wanted to be with her more than anything and he wanted to start a family and grow old together. That was what he wanted. "You forgot this." He said in a small voice suddenly, it made her look round sharply.

"God, baby you scared me." She giggled, her cheeks flashing a pale pink colour as he made his way slowly towards her - the fork still being twiddled in his fingers before he slid it into the hot foamy water.

"Sorry." He replied distantly as he leaned down and kissed her. Her lips where as soft as always and she tasted like red wine.

She took her hands out of the water and dried them in the tea towel beside the sink. "I know you're not okay so I won't ask how you're doing." She started with a pretty smile as she placed her hands on his shoulders. "I just want you to know you can talk to me okay?"

He lifted his eyes to hers, a small smile flashed on his lips and if she would've blinked she would've missed it. "Stay the night." He said suddenly without a warning.

"Matt do you really think that's a-"

"I need you to be here with me. I can't sleep when you're not here, even on a good day, so after what happened earlier I have no chance." He inhaled a deep wavering breath and let his eyes fall to the floor. "I'm this close to loosing it." He said quietly, his voice shaking. "Just please, stay the night."

She wasn't a hundred percent sure what she should say. Her hands now rested on either one of his cheeks Gabby saw the sadness in his eyes. The desperation was making her want to pull him in for a hug that would last forever so she replied: "yes, of course I'll stay." She smiled as his eyes brightened and a small smile became visible.

"Thank you." As she let go of him and tried to turn back to the dishes, he grabbed her hand to make her look at him again. "Come on." He started now smiling.

"Let me finish these first!" She giggled as he came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist and tickled her lightly. "Matt! Stop!" She exclaimed now going into the early stages of uncontrollable laughter.

"Stop doing the dishes then!" He exclaimed back through his laughter.

With her wet hands, she brought them from down by her sides and flicked the remaining water residue into his face. In shock he let go and she went running down the hall and into the living room. Seconds later Matt was charging after her, only finding her because of the fits of giggles that were coming from the room. She was crouched down behind the dining table, biting on a clenched fist to try and keep her laughter as quiet as possible.

She could hear him laughing as well, it was nice that he sounded happy, like he wasn't overloading his brain with stressful thoughts.

The room seemed to go quiet and for a moment Gabby thought that he had given up looking in this room and headed upstairs. As she started to push herself up to see through the handle of the back of the chair she heard a 'BOO!' and was soon laying under Matt who hand her pinned to the floor. As she slowly realised what had just happened the uncontrollable laughter kicked in again - this time it was both of them. Propping himself up on his elbows, Matt was in hysterics at how Gabby was crying because she was laughing so much and vice versa. Sliding her hands up until they where linked behind his neck, Gabby pulled his head forward until his lips where pressed against hers. Slowly their lips moved together as the laughter died down to a silence. Both still laying on the floor, Matt pulled away and smiled at her. His blue eyes shining more than ever. "Come on, I want to show you something." He started as he rolled off her.

"No, no come back here. You can't leave me hanging like that!" Gabby giggled as he tried to grab his shirt to pull him back but he was to quick. He grabbed her hands and pulled her off the floor until she was standing opposite him. "Where we going?" She asked still laughing.

"Grab your coat." He started as he headed for the banister. "We're going for a walk."

"A walk where?! It's freezing cold Matt!"

Gabby was right, it was cold out. They had been walking for about ten minutes and had ended up on the footpath that ran the whole way down the river, intentionally or not, casey was leading the way and Gabby was exited but slightly unsure what was going to happen.

Matt had his hands in his pockets, Gabby as well but her arm in his and her chin rested on his shoulder as they walked slowly down the path taking in all of the scenery. Chicago was beautiful all year round. It attracted lots of tourists because of it but because they worked and lived in the city, they barely got a chance to go out and actually enjoy the city for what it actually was. Little banks of snow had built up either side of the walkway and even at this time of night people where out walking and running. It was nice to see them all in their own world - each thinking something completely different. That was one of the nicest things about walking at this time of the day. Gabby loved it because she enjoyed watching how different people reacted to the situations around them.

The wind was bitterly cold but it was refreshing in a way. They both walked in silence for a while, each wrapped in their own thoughts but still enjoying each other's company. Gabby was thinking about how Matt must've been feeling. If she was in his situation, she knew that she would be panicking at the thought of going and having to fight a war in a few weeks. She never understood how he stayed so quiet and able to stay in control most of the time. She knew it was risky asking him but curiosity got the better of her. "Matt, why are you sacred about going on tour again?" She asked cautiously, now breaking the silence. She felt him look at her but she kept her eyes forward.

"There's a lot of reasons." He started bluntly, returning his gaze back to the river. "I don't really want to talk about it." He said as he stopped walking and lightly pulled her around so she was facing him. "There is one thing I want to talk about though." He started as he studied her slightly confused face. "I know that we've only been together a couple months but if what you say is true and if you believe me when I say it too, that we've been in love with each other for years now hopefully this won't sound to desperate..."

"Matt I don't quite get what you're trying to-"

"I ask myself a lot what I fell in love with you and I can never think of a negative reason why I did. You're perfect in every single way and I can never live up to that. I know I can't because you're with a broken and damaged person Gabby and I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I know you deserve a whole lot more.-"

"Matt-"

"Just let me-" he stopped and tried to get his words into the right order. "look, I didn't plan any of this so I'm just going with it but Gabby I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else before and you know how much it hurts me to be away from you. You're the better part of me and you're my best friend and the person I can turn to with anything. I'm going away in two weeks to a place I man never return from so I have to ask this NOW." He took a deep breath and reached into his pocket.

His hands were shaking and he could feel hers doing the same. This was what he wanted more than anything. He wanted to be with her. He was absolutely positive that she was the one that he could spend his life with.

Lifting his eyes to see her face he could she that she had clocked on and the look on her face was priceless. As he opened the little black box he knew that this was the right place and the right time and he was so happy that he was about to ask the most important question in his whole life, but he was ready and he was sure. "Gabby, will you marry me?"

A tear slid down her face as she started at him. Pulling him in for a strong, passionate kiss she held him there for a second before she pulled away and beamed at him. "YES! Yes of course I will." She exclaimed before pulling him in for another kiss. They stood there, kissing with the backdrop of the city behind them. Slowly but surely Casey was building the life he had always dreamed about.


	8. To The Stars And Back

**Hey guys, i'm sorry that it's been such a long time since I updated or even written anything but here's something at least! Don't forget to tell me what you think!**

 **\- Freya xxx**

It was a little brighter this time when she woke up. Both Gabby and Matt had fallen asleep again after their little chat about the future. It was nice to be planning ahead rather then looking at the horrors.

Gabby laid there with her eyes open, the cover up under her arms and Matt's hand on her stomach as he laid there, breathing in his sleep quietly. She knew Matt was the perfect man for the harrowing job he had been tasked to do. She also knew that he was the best person to lead a team of selfless soldiers into battle - she had watched him do it for the last ten years with his team on 81. Thinking about the reasons why she didn't want him to go she stumbled across something she hadn't thought about before. If he went way, she wouldn't be there to help him if he got injured. She tried to push all thought of him going away out of her head but instead of good thoughts about him entering her head more painful memories came instead.

She thought back to the day that he tried to rescue a baby from a house fire over on Jackson and Madison, Gabby shuddered as a cold chill ran down her spine.

Standing watching the door, Gabby remembered perfectly how she felt as she grabbed his head to try and keep him steady as he collapsed, blood covering the whole of the inside of his SCBA mask. Then the way she had to fight to keep him alive in the back of the ambulance before wheeling the most important person she had in her life into the ED before he was taken away from her to be rushed into emergency surgery. That day was one she would never forget and every time she thought about it she felt a feeling that she was suffocating. Then as all the bad things of that day swarmed her, like in everything, there was a light that calmed her down. She stopped thinking about all the negative things because in the end he survived. After however many years it was after the accident he was here, right next to her, breathing, dreaming, living and that was the thing that pulled her back to reality. He could survive anything because of the way he took things in his stride; thought about what could happen with a result of each course of action he took to reach is final goal, and that's why she knew that he would be okay overseas.

Finally feeling like she was ready to start the day with a smile, Gabby lightly lifted Matt's hand off her stomach and placed it on the bed - making sure that every movement she made was soft enough not to wake him. Then, pushing herself from under the duvet, she slid out of the bed making sure to replace it after she was out. Gabby headed over to the bathroom and turned on the shower.

Stepping into the warm water she managed to get her body to relax. The water slid over her as the steam rolled off the walls, looking like the outside of a burning building, and clung to the cold of the shower door. Concentrating on the heat she was feeling as well as the echo of the water as it hit the floor, Gabby didn't realize that the shower door had been opened and was shocked to feel the warm strong hands close lightly around her stomach. Taking a shallow breath she let out a giggle as Matt pressed little kisses to the back of her neck as he pulled her against his chest. Gabby turned so she was facing him, the water running her eyes, and placed her hands on his chest as he pulled her in for a hug. "You're getting your shirt wet." she whispered as they both stood under the warm running water.

Taking his lips away from her neck, Matt moved his head so he could see her clearly. "I have a week till I go." he whispered barely over the water. "my clothing getting wet as I spend time with you is the least of my problems right now."

"You always were the romantic most men aspire to become aren't you?" she giggled making him smile.

"There's nothing romantic about me."

Gabby laughed. "Right -" He kissed her. "Right, so nothing about you joining me in the shower is romantic. You really are not all there in the mornings, are you?" she finished kissing him back.

"Well, when things go bad over in-"

"Matt don't."

He pulled back and looked at her, a concerned look on his face, the one she hadn't seen for a long time. "Gabby, I-"  
"Look, I wanna say something." she spoke as she regained eye contact with him. "Let's make a promise."

"To do what?" he asked, a cheeky smile now appearing on his face as he disregarded any bad thought and brought his attention back to her.

Gabby took a second to get her words in the right order. "Lets not talk about you going away until it happens - like you said, we have a week left together. We should try and just forget about it and push it out the way because its going to be on our backs for eight months and-"

Pressing his lips against hers, Gabby was stuck between the wall and her fiance.

"I think that's a great idea." he said softly between kisses. "You know I'd stay here with you here all day." he started as he moved off her.

"But we have work, yeah I know." Gabby finished with a little giggle as she pushed him out of the stream of water and reached for the off switch.

"Gabby!" he called playfully. "Five more min-"

"No!" she began to laugh as he tried to reach for the switch but she kept slapping his hand out the way. "No, Boden won't want you late for your last shift. Get your ass out the-" she managed before the water stopped and he picked her up off her feet. "Matt!" she screamed through the giggles. "Matt - put me down!"

"Like you said-" he began as they left the bathroom and he carried her into the bedroom water getting everywhere after his wet clothes released the water they contained. "- we can't be late for out last shift."

The snowy weather was one thing he was not going to miss about this place. Although Chicago was known for its snowy winters, and the freezing temperatures; the only thing good about leaving this place that he would experience some warm weather. In a way, Afghanistan was very pretty. It was a desert land that had dirt tracks and sand as far as the eye could see. However, it was the sights and the smells of the area he dreaded more than anything else in this world, still it gave him chills every time his thoughts were allowed to stray that far away.

Today, there was a lot to be done. Matt had made a mental note of everything he needed to do before leaving the firehouse that the end of this shift. This would be the last time that he would walk into the building he called his second home; it was also the last time he would be able to be with his second family under these circumstances. The more he thought about it, the slower he walked - almost as if he was trying to drag it out, make it last as long as he could, as he made his way up the firehouse drive, his hand in Gabby's.

The big red trucks glowed in the morning dimness as they sat silently in their bays. Casey felt a wave of satisfaction crash over him as he walked past the crest that was sat in the same place as always on the side of the truck. Ten years it had been that 81 had been classed as his own, and it had been then years that he called 51 his home. Back when times where really tough, Matt would do double shifts just so he didn't have to leave the comfort of the firehouse and be forced to return back to the cold walls of his apartment. There was something about the house that reminded him about the way that the camps where overseas. Some habits still showed even now when he was living as a civilian rather than a soldier. He would often make Gabby laugh by calling people 'sir' or 'ma'am' when he was being spoken to by someone other than his friends, but this was something he couldn't shake - it was part of who he was and she accepted that. It was one of the many things he loved about her - she took him for who he was, no questions asked, and being able to rely on someone in such a way was what he had always needed.

The common room was silent as they walked in together, no one was there and that was the strangest part. Usually the common room was thriving, already buzzing for the shift in front of them, but today something was different and he wasn't a hundred percent sure that he was okay with it.

"Hello?" Matt called out as he reached the middle of the room. He turned round to face Gabby who had held back and was looking up at him from across the room. "Where is everyone?" he asked as she gave him a confused look.

"I don't know." she started, walking in his direction she turned at the last minute and headed for the bunk room. "Surly we can't be the first ones here." she questioned as he glanced at her watch.

Suddenly, they heard a door swing open and soon Herrmann and Otis had made their way into the room. "Hey you two!" Herrmann stated with a warm grin on his face.

Casey had almost forgotten that Herrmann and Kelly where the only two people in the house that knew that he and Gabby where a 'thing'. However, the look that Otis was giving him was enough to tell him that either Herrmann had said something or that he had worked it out for himself - either one, Casey was not in the mood to care. Moving forward towards them, Matt pushed a smile onto his face as he tried to hide the way that this being his last shift for eight months was making him feel. "Where is everyone?" he asked placing his hands on his hips.

Herrmann and Otis shared a look. It wasn't one of the classic joking looks that was usually exchanged between them, it was a cautious almost foreshadowing expression. "in the briefing room Lieutenant."Otis finally answered, his eyes not meeting Casey's because he was a little afraid of the look his boss was giving him.

"Why are they in there and it didn't wait till Gabby and I where here, I mean we aren't late or anything!"

"Matt." Gabby said silencing him. "Come on, lets go." she suggested as she held out her hand. Calmly he took it. They all knew why he was a little short tempered. "Come on."

All for of them walked out of the common room and our towards the briefing room - the blinds strangely closed for an unknown reason. "In you go lieutenant." Gabby encouraged with a smile.

Pushing the door open the room erupted into applause and cheering. Matt's face instantly lit up and the smile that slid onto his face was one in a million. The guys crowded around him chanting the company insignia of '81' as they walked deeper into the room. "What is all this?" Casey asked as he reached the front of the room, Boden and Gabby at each of his sided.

"We couldn't send you off without a little surprise here at 51!" shouted Otis as he stood up at the back of the room, another round of applause and cheering filled the room.

"But I don't-"

"All due respect Lieu," Herrmann started as he began to head to the front of the room. Once he reached his boss he continued. "We thought we'd give you a little taster of what's to come at Molly's tomorrow night." he exclaimed - another wave of celebration. "All in your name."

"You don't need to do that-" Casey stuttered in shock as he tried to get his mind around what was going on.

Herrmann gave a genuine smile. "We know that we didn't need to do it for you, but Casey - you've been the best goddamned truck lieutenant 51 has ever had, and I'll be damned if we don't give you the hero's send off that you deserve."


End file.
